Caller from Hell - a short drama
(Sound of telephone dialling, phone ringing and being picked up)
Wormwood: Good Morning, 666 Customer Service Centre. My name is Wormwood. This call may be recorded for training purposes. Can I take your name and Customer I.D. Number please?
Caller: Why do you need my name and customer I.D?
Wormwood: I’m sorry, but I can’t proceed with the call unless I’ve checked your details on our computer. Can I take your name and customer I.D please?
Caller: Can’t I just complain?
Wormwood: I’ll need your name and customer I.D first, I’m afraid.
Caller: What if I want to complain anonymously?
Wormwood: (pause) I’m sure it will be possible… after I have your name and customer I.D.
Caller: Bloody hell. (Pause) Well, all right. If I really have to. Kevin Boardell.
Wormwood: Would you mind spelling that please?
Wormwood: Just the surname please.
Caller: Oh. B…O…A…R…D
Wormwood: Is that “B” as in “Bastard”?
Caller: What? Yes. I mean, NO! “B” for… “B” for “Brilliant”
Wormwood: Thank you. B…O…A…R…D…
Caller: “A” double “L”.
Wormwood: Thank you. And your customer I.D ?
Caller: I have no idea.
Wormwood: It wasn’t branded on your left buttock when you registered at check in?
Caller: No it bloody wasn’t! I wasn’t even welcomed!.
Wormwood: Well, we are a bit overstretched with demand at the moment. Your main sins please. I ought to be able to get your details up from that.
Caller: This is ridiculous. Er… Lying, cheating, stealing, vandalising a toilet at twelve…
Wormwood: Ah yes, here we are! Kevin Boardell. Liar, cheat, thief, vandal, exposure in a public place, and perverted use of a…
Caller: Aright, alright! No need for the full list.
Wormwood: Here we are – customer I.D: 100 Foxtrot 33 Delta 666 Charlie Alpha 2. Write that down please Mr Boardell. Keep it somewhere safe. Now, what can I help you with?