Caller from Hell - a short drama

(Sound of telephone dialling, phone ringing and being picked up)

Wormwood: Good Morning, 666 Customer Service Centre. My name is Wormwood. This call may be recorded for training purposes. Can I take your name and Customer I.D. Number please?

Caller: Why do you need my name and customer I.D?

Wormwood: I’m sorry, but I can’t proceed with the call unless I’ve checked your details on our computer. Can I take your name and customer I.D please?

Caller: Can’t I just complain?

Wormwood: I’ll need your name and customer I.D first, I’m afraid.

Caller: What if I want to complain anonymously?

Wormwood: (pause) I’m sure it will be possible… after I have your name and customer I.D.

Caller: Bloody hell. (Pause) Well, all right. If I really have to. Kevin Boardell.

Wormwood: Would you mind spelling that please?

Caller: K..E..V…

Wormwood: Just the surname please.

Caller: Oh. B…O…A…R…D

Wormwood: Is that “B” as in “Bastard”?

Caller: What? Yes. I mean, NO! “B” for… “B” for “Brilliant”

Wormwood: Thank you. B…O…A…R…D…

Caller: “A” double “L”.

Wormwood: Thank you. And your customer I.D ?

Caller: I have no idea.

Wormwood: It wasn’t branded on your left buttock when you registered at check in?

Caller: No it bloody wasn’t! I wasn’t even welcomed!.

Wormwood: Well, we are a bit overstretched with demand at the moment. Your main sins please. I ought to be able to get your details up from that.

Caller: This is ridiculous. Er… Lying, cheating, stealing, vandalising a toilet at twelve…

Wormwood: Ah yes, here we are! Kevin Boardell. Liar, cheat, thief, vandal, exposure in a public place, and perverted use of a…

Caller: Aright, alright! No need for the full list.

Wormwood: Here we are – customer I.D: 100 Foxtrot 33 Delta 666 Charlie Alpha 2. Write that down please Mr Boardell. Keep it somewhere safe. Now, what can I help you with?

Caller: I am not satisfied with the accommodation, nor the shameful facilities.

Wormwood: That’s excellent. I am glad to hear it. But didn’t you say you had a complaint?

Caller: I do ! I’m not satisfied! Deeply disappointed actually.

Wormwood. But sir, this is Hell! You’re not supposed to be satisfied. That’s GOOD isn’t it?

Caller: No it damn well isn’t! This is supposed to be Hell. I was promised fire and brimstone; sharp forks and torture at least three times a day. The furnaces here are a joke – mostly luke warm. The demons say they can’t do any serious prodding and harassment for two hundred years due to cost cutting. My bed of broken glass hasn’t even been sharpened, and apparently Emotional Torture isn’t even on the cards. This was not in the contract. This is not what I bargained for.

Wormwood: Well we are having a few technical glitches at the moment…

Caller: Technical glitches??? You’re telling me! It’s more like Heaven in here than Hell!

Wormwood: Sir, if you are going to be offensive I will have to terminate the call.

Caller: Just get it sorted! Get someone to turn up the flames, or I swear to God I will…

(Sounds of a phone cut off and a dialling tone)

Caller: Hello? HELLO? Damn. DAMN!

(Sounds of dialling again, ringing then a phone being picked up)

Gorgon: Good Morning, 666 Customer Service Centre. My name is Gorgon. This call may be recorded for training purposes. Can I take your name and Customer I.D. Number please?

Caller: I want to complain about the way my last complaint was dealt with.

Gorgon: : I’m sorry, but I can’t proceed with the call unless I’ve checked your details on our computer. Can I take your name and customer I.D please?

(Sounds of loud, echoing, devilish laughter)

The End

© CATS3000